24. 10.
Have you ever gone out with a group of hot girls before? It’s like the United Nations of Hot Women for me! I mean we got everything from Black, Indian, Chinese, Latina, Russian, Caucasian, to Greek. Now guys reading this post are probably thinking, “Dude, cherish the moment!” But, I don’t take any of them home (Oh, how I would love to!). I’m either “the security” or appear to be “the friend”. LOL! Do you know what “the friend” is? Basically, if you’re a guy with a group of hot women, you’re either a celebrity or gay! I’m totally not gay but I do get used for my dancing skills. Maybe that last sentence does sound a bit gay (Note: Totally have love for my gay friends).
Every time I go out with the girls, I feel like Jesus when he was tempted by Satan on the mountain. Great legs, great bodies, and amazing personalities! I’m trying to avoid poking somebody the next time I dance with one of them. My Asian friend is the camera queen. I tell the bouncers to frisk her for a camera because I know it’s hidden somewhere. She has so many pictures; I believe she’s one album away from Facebook shutting her down. I’m sure she’s costing them for all that storage space. She gets mad at me because I’m always in the “all” girls pics. It’s not like I try to be in them. 
(Note: I still don’t know why she’s fascinated by taking pictures of everyone’s feet. Maybe it’s a woman shoe thing.) Why do Asians love taking pictures? I don’t get it. And they always have to put up their two fingers like they’re at Walt Disney World. She’s my favorite though because she always calls me out on my bullshit! The Indian is simply gorgeous, great smile, and sells drugs legally! I don’t even care if she cooks…I want her! Especially since Obama is soft on legal consumption of medicinal marijuana (Note: I don’t support the use of drugs, but don’t understand why it’s ok to be an alcoholic). The Black girls are just too fine. They make me want to forget all about my jungle fever. LOL! I’ve realized that I need more than one woman to tolerate my personality. You know that saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, I need a village of women! Thank God for my United Nations of Women!
17. 10.
Growing up with three brothers, there was no such thing as saving food. My dad would go grocery shopping, and in a few days, he was back at the store again. What was ALWAYS the first item gone? MILK! When you were a kid, milk was the essence of your being. All you needed was milk and cereal! I remember when my father would occasionally buy the “good” cereal. “Good” cereal is simply cereal that came in a box (not a bag) and didn’t require you to add extra sugar. Yeah, my pops was cheap.
When my father would place the good cereal in the cabinet, you’d lick your lips in anticipation of opening that box of cereal in the morning. Before going to bed, I’d check the fridge to make sure there was enough milk. And what did I ALWAYS discover? There was only enough for TWO bowls. I don’t know about you but there are four boys in my family. If you’re last to the table, you get the scraps. It’s more of a sprint to the table!
You’re trying to go to sleep, but excited about that tasty spoon full of delicious cereal in the morning. Now that I think about it, I’m sure my brothers were thinking the same thing. If anyone has children (or has ever been a child), it’s hard as hell to get up in the morning to go to school. But on “good” cereal days, we make an exception. For some reason, I never made it to the kitchen first. Somehow I’d fall into a deep trance , wake up when the alarm rang, then jump out of bed to get ready for school (cuz you know I got my outfit ready last night). Everytime I opened the bedroom door, I’d spot the light coming from the kitchen. Thinking I would be the first one to the kitchen besides my mom, I’d turn the corner to go into the kitchen and it never failed. Two of my brothers were seated, eating MY cereal.
We had two rules:
- Don’t come into the kitchen unless you’ve washed up (especially if you haven’t brushed your teeth).
- You can have only ONE bowl of cereal.
My older brother always ignored the rules. He’d just wake up, go straight into the kitchen, and have as many bowls of cereal that his heart desired. And I swear my younger brother slept in his clothes because he was always first or second to the table. He was the smallest and definitely the fastest. My brother would always tease the next person by leaving about 1/8th of a cup of milk. You can’t do anything with that. I’d be mad as hell and say, “Fuck it! I’m eating at school.” I got reduced breakfast and lunch anyways. And after all I went through as a child to get milk, I’m now lactose intolerant. Ain’t that ironic!
21. 09.
It seems as though I’ve been in church since I popped out my momma’s womb (besides my extended 9 year hiatus). Other than that, I’ve seen just about any and everything that one could imagine at church. Here are a few things that top the list:
#1. Shout Music
If you’ve ever been to a Black church, I’m sure you’ve heard this music. It’s like the “house” music of church. Keeping with that theme, now imagine that church was a club. It’s the SAME people that get up and start dancing to the “shout music”. You know those groups of girls in the club that yell, “THAT’S MY SONG!!!” Yep, they go to church too. They just might be at YOUR church. I’m not going to lie; the church needs a remix.
#2. The Fashion Show
Is the festive attire simply to catch a mate? BET’s Sunday’s Best should be brought to a church near you. Except, YOU pick the best-dressed member. From bright ass colors to tightest dress, it’s as though they woke up in their Saturday club wear and went straight to church. No wonder why my hormones were raging as a teenager!
#3. Freakies
Church people are some closet sexual freaks! Members are sleeping with each other, cheating with each other, coming out the closet, etc. As my friend states, “It’s a hot mess!” I remember I was sitting in the choir stand during a funeral and this girl started rubbing my leg with her foot. Mind you, I was thinking that this is NOT the right time if any! I was also hoping that we didn’t have to stand up and sing soon. LOL!
2. 09.
What is it with women and cats? You get lonely, you get a cat. Yes, they’re cute, little things. I love cats. I’m a freakin’ LEO! I get them; I understand them. But, is it a substitute for a baby or something! You’re alone, approaching your thirties, and feel this need to nurture a living creature. I understand that. Now men on the other hand, we get lonely and start to think, “what the hell can I do to occupy my time?” First, we think of women (cuz we think about them every 6 minutes), and then we realize that what we really need is a new video game. See, I wasn’t the kid that played video games. I’d rather go outside and play a sport. But now, at my age, I’ve found joy in conquering a video game. You ask me to go out and start dating! Forget that, the economy is harsh. I’d rather pay $49.99 for a video game that would last me at least a week. And when I’m done with it, I can trade the damn thing in. I can get cash or a whole ‘nother game. Top that! It takes too much money to conquer a woman. That game is SO 2000-and-lame! Not only do you have to pay for the evening, but the prep work to! A guy’s gotta get mani and pedi’s, haircuts, chest waxes, trim the “bird’s nest”, and ohhh…make sure shoes are clean (apparently, that’s a big thing for women). Maybe getting’ a cat’s not so bad!
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